Live-at-the-Time Blog: “Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace”

Spoiler Thoughts:

  • I don’t think I’ve watched this since it came out in the theaters the first time.
  • These Trade Federation aliens always seemed suspiciously Asian to me.
  • Cowards, eh?  Qui-gon seems a little dismissive.
  • Oh hi Padme, downfall of the Republic.
  • Man, Padme is pretty determined not to see the writing on the wall here.
  • Her white-haired advisor is all “WTF?!”
  • 11 minutes. That’s how long we were able to go Jar-Jar-less.
  • Those were some nice 11 minutes.
  • You know, I hope that theory that Jar-Jar was going to be the Dark Side Yoda is true. Because otherwise, you’d have to think that everyone connected with this film was too afraid to point out his resemblance to a caricature from a minstrel show.
  • Ugh, the Gungans are kind of a repugnant race in general.
  • The scene from Star Tours!
  • I can’t understand half of what Jar-Jar is saying. Not sure that this is a disadvantage.
  • Well that was the fastest planetary takeover in history.
  • I mean, those two trade dudes literally conquered the whole Nabooean government in the time it took two Jedis to get there. And they came on the same ships!
  • Maybe this planet would have been better off with the Trade Asians.
  • R2:  MVP in any age.
  • I think you’ll be sorry if you land on Tattooine. Just saying.
  • What in the name of Yoda is Qui-gon wearing?  It doesn’t even look like a poncho, as much as a blanket with a hole cut in it.
  • Like those Jedi robes weren’t style-y enough.
  • Thus begins a long history of me never being able to tell Natalie Portman and Kiera Knightley apart for the rest of their careers.
  • Damn it, why would they take Jar-Jar with them?  What possible help could he be here?
  • Why doesn’t Qui-gon just mind trick some other poor sap on this God-forsaken planet into exchanging his credits, and then give those to Watto?
  • Qui-gon is not so stealthy, given that he can’t hide who he is from a five year old.
  • Glad they don’t feel bad about coming in and eating all the food these poor slaves have.
  • These are kind of fatalistic folk.
  • This seems like a pretty poor bargain. Qui-gon might not be the best ambassador ever.
  • Huh. For some reason I had totally forgotten that Anakin was a product of parthenogenesis.
  • You’d think people would be more excited about Vader being born Jedi Jesus.
  • Ah, the Ben-Hur scene. Little more impressive when there was more than one real person in it.
  • This is a really long race for something that we have almost no doubt of Anakin winning.
  • If I had any clue as to what he was doing when he’s flicking the switches, it might be more meaningful.
  • Even the Hutt didn’t care about that race.
  • “Why do I sense we’ve picked up another pathetic life form?”
  • Obi-Wan could tell even then that this was a bad deal for him.
  • Poor C3-PO. The true martyr of Star Wars.
  • Meanwhile, Darth Maul has been standing around on a sand dune for like, a day.
  • Maybe if any of the other senators did anything, Palpatine wouldn’t have had such an easy time. He’s the only one out there hustling.
  • That is one young-looking Samuel L. Jackson.
  • While Padme is looking like a sap here, she has been pretty much backed into a corner.
  • Well ok, if she wasn’t going to wait around for their help, then she really was kind of a sap to just show up, do Palpatine’s bidding, and then leave.
  • Glad Qui-gon’s going to take this kid that he’s not allowed to train on this dangerous mission.
  • No, I think this kid is kind of dangerous. Qui-gon might not be the best Jedi.
  • 95 minutes in, and he’s going to explain midichloridians now.
  • Actually, it sounds sort of like Scientology.
  • Even Anakin doesn’t look like he’s buying this.
  • Oh freaking Jar-Jar.
  • If I knew Padme’s plan was to recruit the Gungans, it wouldn’t be the Chancellor for which I’d be voting no confidence.
  • Serious. There was literally no safer place Qui-gon could leave this kid?
  • Glad Padme doesn’t even look back to see if the kid who just saved her bacon was ok.
  • Well that could have gone better.
  • Man, don’t you hate it when people keep blowing up your stuff from the inside?
  • Oh Darth Maul. That was not your finest hour.
  • Geeze Qui-gon. Nothing like “bye” to the guy you’ve been training for years.
  • Holy Moly, it’s an actual Jedi thing that you have to have a mullet and a side braid?
  • I see Padme went all the way to Spencer’s Gifts for the static electricity globe she gave the Gungans.

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